The Wisdom of Non-Judgementalism

The burdensome and hefty onus of having to judge others we fecklessly and nigh on reflexively foist upon ourselves, unremittingly makes us weary and irritated. The annoying practice of judgement deprives us of our inner curiosity and makes us cynical and mistrusting of the world. This only serves to blast us hurtling towards depression and in a death spiral of fear that eviscerates our souls of their essence, bringing weariness and misery to our lives.

We like to think we know what other people are going through, the truth is: We have no idea. As I always say: Everyone’s pain is legitimate for their heart; everyone’s struggle is genuine for their soul; and everyone’s reasons are valid for their mind.

Ram Dass invited us to contemplate this piece of wisdom from the Third Patriarch of Zen:

"What benefit can be derived from distinctions and separations? .. Distinctions arise from the clinging needs of the ignorant."

In the Third Patriarch of Zen, therein also lies words of wisdom about the asinine and doltish nature of the chimerical and futile endeavor of clinging onto our opinions and judgements, when he said: "All dualities come from ignorant inference. They are like dreams or flowers in air; foolish to try to grasp them."

What I learned from my journey, learning and growth is that our conditioned, impulsive desire and propensity to assign labels onto everything, that everything must have a name, everything must be described; that, is the source of your problems, pain and stress, and is most certainly at the root of our suffering.

Ram Dass concurs:

“We keep getting lost in the forms.. in the labels. In who we think we’re seeing. In who we think we’re relating to. We keep getting lost in the labels and what our senses tell us, and our thinking minds discriminate. And we fail to see through that veil. See that there’s another soul.”

Things are as they are, as Alan Watts taught us. Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.

Because when we get into arguments with reality, we lose. We then blame others for our disappointment. As if somebody else had obliged or bludgeoned us into having those expectations in the first place. No expectations, no upset. We consequently wallow dolefully in the disappointment and lament what has happened to us.

A friend of mine taught me that there are “two factors in my life that account for the quality of my life way, way more than any other ones”:

1) The first was his models and expectations of how the world is supposed to be, and whether or not they are congruent with how the world actually is.

2) The story he tells himself about himself, and whether that is one of compassion, or one of judgment.

One mistake we make often is that we expect others to behave and act and make decisions like we do. But other people are not us. Humans are too complex that no two people can always agree on what they would do in the face of any given situation or challenge that arises.

I always advise people on this by saying,

"Being judgemental we only serve to cloud our judgement, blind our eyes, and distort the inner truth of who we truly are. So, do not judge. Not everything is as it initially seems. Be teachable. Have an open mind.”

Arguing with the universe is a fool's errand. For when we do so, we surrender our wellbeing. We are masters at sabotaging our inner peace. Picking up unnecessary and senseless fights with reality has us continually setting ourselves up for disappointment. There is strength in the courage to say "This is not how I'd have done it, it’s not what I would've done, but it is as valid a choice as any other."

When we show the decency and maturity to show up in such a way that honors the other person's right to choose for themselves, provided it doesn't hurt us, we allow our hearts to open. It is in such wise and calm responsive choices that we make that we can connect authentically with the other person, with no judgement or separation. We need not judge another soul. We only need to work on ourselves.

Ram Dass had the following to say on this:

When somebody provokes your anger, the only reason you get angry is because you’re holding on to how you think something is supposed to be. You’re denying how it is. Then you see it’s the expectations of your own mind that are creating your own hell. When you get frustrated because something isn’t the way you thought it would be, examine the way you thought, not just the thing that frustrates you. You’ll see that a lot of your emotional suffering is created by your models of how you think the universe should be and your inability to allow it to be as it is.

Another point is why do we prickle at people who criticise or are upset with us. We must be willing to look in the mirror and improve ourselves instead of denying that we are flawed and fallible. It's akin to admitting that one's car needs great maintenance and then heading to repair it, instead of exalting it falsely and fallaciously just because we're emotionally attached to it or we're afraid of being wrong in front of others due to our fragile and inflated ego. We ought to be willing to peacefully accept feedback to improve ourselves and grow. After all, a true friend isn't someone who tells you the sweet lies you want to hear, but whom communicates to you the bitter truths you don't want to hear.

When we let go of the need to entertain our self-manufactured fabrications of perfection or infallibility, we can then empower ourselves to approach ourselves in the mirror with the intention of polishing it. Denying something doesn't make it false, it just gives the illusion of it being untrue, while the truth will always remain unchanged, whether we refute it, or accept it. We need not give any importance to feelings of being 'special' or 'exceptional'', for those are self-constructed, illusory fabrication notions of the human mind. Thereof arises feelings of superiority and being 'entitled'. All such faulty notions must be renounced at once, if the soul is to find peace.

Our burdensome self-hoisted opinions of superiority only serve to feed the ego, and boost our pride. But that is not the path of wisdom. For pride and wisdom are like fire and water, both together create a storm where one is being extinguished by the other. The more room one has for pride, the less room one will have for wisdom. For the truth is, pride is the burden of fools. We learn nothing from life if we think we're right all the time. Our opinions and self-views about ourselves can get in the way of polishing that mirror and admitting to our mistakes and flaws. We simply need to let go of them. We need not take so seriously the lies our minds contrive for us.

Zhuangzi teaches us:

“We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.”

Minding Our Own Business

As Ram Dass teaches us in the clip above, other people's badness is their predicament. Our reaction is ours. Your reaction is yours. I had once read his take on judgement, wherein he provided the following insights:

Watch how your mind judges. Judgment comes, in part, out of your own fear. You judge other people because you’re not comfortable in your own being. By judging, you find out where you stand in relation to other people. The judging mind is very divisive. It separates. Separation closes your heart. If you close your heart to someone, you are perpetuating your suffering and theirs. Shifting out of judgment means learning to appreciate your predicament and their predicament with an open heart instead of judging. Then you can allow yourself and others to just be, without separation.

He continues,

The only game in town is the game of being, which includes both highs and lows. Every time you push something away, it remains there. The pile under the rug gets very big. Your lows turn out to be more interesting than your highs because they are showing you where you’re not, where you have work to do. You just say, “Thank you for teaching.” You don’t have to judge another being. You just have to work on yourself.

It is none of our business if others are good or bad. Their complexion and state of being is their problem, it is their responsibility. Our reaction is a reflection of who we are. One can choose to judge and assign labels on another soul, "Oh this person's bad". However, one would then be the one losing out on the chance of keeping their heart open.

We need not judge another soul, we simply have to work on making sure our hearts never close towards another. By judging them, we close our hearts, perpetuating our suffering and theirs. And perhaps more tragically, paying the price, as Ram Dass said, for their predicament, for their badness. Indeed it is so preposterous and surreal.

Even when we've been hurt, we can still choose to let go of the tantalizing temptation to judge another soul. Remembering that their nature is their predicament. Their actions are their business: not ours to judge. So instead of judging, we just show appreciation. Trading in our judgment for appreciation, while letting go of our righteous stance and choosing to be spacious kindness. We need only enounce the words, "I appreciate you. I appreciate the lessons you brought into my journey. I am blessed by them. I learned a lot. Thank you for teaching."

We let our judgments get in the way, we let our emotions get in the way, we let our fear get in the way, and then we end up losing our way on this journey. We are too preoccupied with listening to the senseless voices of our egos, that we can't hear the authentic voice within our souls. Nor are we able to hear each other amidst all the noise of said egos. The secret to peace is to find that within which no longer serve us, and let go of it cleanly and quickly when the universe has moved on, or when it is no longer helpful.

Being judgmental only serves to cloud our judgement, blind our eyes, and distort the inner truth of who we truly are.

As I always like to note,

The fool punches the wind;

The intelligent flows with it;

The wise becomes one with it.

Judgement is an optional choice, not a mandatory obligation.

A Final Exercise to put it all into practice.

Firstly, let us repeat the following question followed by an answer:

Where am I?

Here.

When am I?

Now.

I invite you to quiet your mind, feel your soul, and listen to your heart and intuition. What does it tell you? What do you feel?

Become a spacious entity of cosmic emptiness, floating through space and time. Feel it. Let go of everything you think you know. Release any thought you have of who you think you are. Let go of those clingings.

No identities, no judgements.

No roles, no assumptions.

No expectations, no disappointments.

What do you need to release in this moment to allow yourself to be freer?

Judgement is a burden of a foolish person.

If you weren’t who you are, who would you be?

One More Thing...

Imagine if everyone died or somehow simply disappeared overnight, and you awoke from your slumber after hitting the pillow in anger and frustration the night before. And you wake up and see that everyone is gone. Your friends, your neighbors, your family, your siblings, your children, your parents, your grandparents, your spouse or partner, your political opponents, your admired idols, your favourite musicians, the people you didn't forgive, that guy who generously offered to pay for your meal at that restaurant while you were worried about being embarrassed in front of your date, your dearest childhood companion, your mentors, your teachers, your boss at work that sucks the life outta you, the anchor you see on T.V. evening news, your favourite actors, all the people you ever dated, the strangers you chose to help, that guy over downtown whom upon seeing you a blissful and beatific authentic smile descends over, your overseas penpal, your cousins, relatives and entire in-law family, your co-workers, your colleagues, and everyone that ever was... poof! Gone!

In the blink of an eye, vanishing overnight as you were asleep. And you wake up in such an empty world. Would you be happy with the last thing you said to a loved one? Would you be glad with the last way you behaved with someone in your life? Would you be content with the last way you thought about them? Would you be thankful for how you chose to behave in utmost and unconditional kindness, or lamenting and penitently regretful about the last way you interacted with someone in your life?

The question that we perhaps have to ask ourselves all is:

What if we woke up tomorrow with only what we were grateful for today?

I always ask people mired in conflict: If that person was your child, and someone else was treating them the same way you are about to treat them, how would that make you feel? Remembering that we’re all somebody’s child, allows us the necessary space to think with clarity and to see the other person for who they truly are: A human soul. We can choose to remind ourselves that we're indeed all just wounded children in adult bodies. None of us would ever wish to treat somebody’s child in an unpleasant way. Seeing people as their 10-year-old self, regardless of age, is a highly potent and simple trick one can employ to conduce such a perceptual shift.

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Along the way, we continue to ask the question: What really matters?

We are all human. We all got dust in our eyes. At times, we feel the pent-up frustration and anger propels us to the dreaded verge of saying a word that may be regretted later, or prickling in fury at something that wasn't worth it, or flinging into an argument with anything but the calm rational mind one seeks. I found another query that one can ask when one finds themselves in such situations. And its a deceptively simple question:

 Is this really necessary?

Will what I’m about to do or say serve the Peace or threaten to disturb it?

                 We should never judge anyone, nothing is really as it initially seems. Before you assume, learn the facts. Before you judge, understand why. Before you hurt someone, feel. Before you speak, think. Creating a better world entails having the courage to get in the continual habit that before we assume, before we judge, before we rush into conclusions; let us learn the facts, ask questions, understand why, listen solicitously, empathize wholeheartedly, forgive candidly, live simply, speak kindly, love generously and care deeply, about others.

Helping each other, carries mutual benefit for everyone. So, let us share our gifts with each other, with the world. Cuz at the end of the day, we all need each other.

Namaste 🙏