The Secret to Dumbing Down the Ego (along with leveraging its remnant)
- Yusuf Kemal
- Jul 17
- 12 min read
Recently, as a result of a vicissitude that befell me in one of my relationships, a very bitter truth dawned on me: I had ... a HUGE ego!
So, what did I do? I had to develop a method to deal with and debilitate my life-sucking ego, that was truly sucking the life out of me ... and ruining my enjoyment, chance to learn and grow, and my relationships as a result.
So, what did I learn? How do we tame this elusive ego we all have?
Enter the Rule of Perspectives.
The Rule of Perspectives is an idea I got from one of my favourite thinkers, Wayne Dyer, who said:
"When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change."
The secret, however, was to realize that the world's effect on our psychological, mental and emotional state is a product of our imagination, our perception of the world, and the stories we tell ourselves in our heads about how we ought to interpret it.
So, let's plunge into the various ways I found helpful in helping me see the world (and anything that happens to me) differently.
The Rule of Perspectives
Your death
There's a story of an elderly woman who got on a bus, in which a younger woman came to sit next to her at the next stop, and hitting her with her many bags. Upon not seeing the elderly woman complain, the young woman was intrigued and a tad confused, and so asked her why she hadn't griped about her rude behavior. The elderly woman's answer was "There is no need to be rude or discuss something so insignificant as our journey together is so short, because I'm gonna get off at the next stop."
Bingo! That is it, I thought. This is the rule of life. I began imagining life as a journey, like a train journey; except for the fact that none of us know when we or anyone else will be getting off. Anyone could leave this world at any moment. YOU could be living your last day as you're reading this.
Now, take a deep breath.
Feel that breath?
Good.
That breath could've been your last.
Any breath could be our last.
Any day could be our last.
Any interaction, conversation or connection we make with another person could be the last time we interact with that person. You just never know if this time will be the last time that that person hears your voice.
So, as the adage goes, “Be careful what you say to someone today because you may not have tomorrow to take it back.”
But also remember that it's a two-way street. Have the courage to express your feelings and never hold anything back, because you may not have the chance to do so tomorrow. Or as Oprah puts it:
“Say the things that you need to say while the people are still alive, so that you are not one of those people living with regret about what you should’ve said”
Life taught me to appreciate what I have, so it doesn't have to teach me to appreciate what I had.
Remember, Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Everyone's dead
Imagine if, overnight, everyone died or somehow simply disappeared, and you awoke from your slumber after having hit the pillow in anger and frustration the night before.
You wake up and see that everyone is gone. Your friends, your neighbors, your family, your siblings, your children, your parents, your grandparents, your spouse or partner, your political opponents, your admired idols, your favourite musicians, the people you didn't forgive, that guy who generously offered to pay for your meal at that restaurant while you were worried about being embarrassed in front of your date, your dearest childhood companion, your mentors, your teachers, your boss at work that sucks the life outta you, the anchor you see on T.V. evening news, your favourite actors, all the people you ever dated, your old crush, the strangers you chose to help, that guy over downtown who upon seeing you wears a blissful and beatific authentic smile, your overseas penpal, your cousins, relatives and entire in-law family, your co-workers, your colleagues, and everyone that ever was... poof! Gone!
In the blink of an eye, vanishing overnight as you were asleep. And you wake up in such an empty world. Would you be happy with the last thing you said to a loved one? Would you be glad with the last way you behaved with someone in your life? Would you be content with the last way you thought about them? Would you be thankful for how you chose to behave in utmost and unconditional kindness with them? Or instead lamenting and feeling regretful about the last way you interacted with someone in your life?
The question that we perhaps have to ask ourselves all is:
What if we woke up tomorrow with only what we were grateful for today?
Or to put it differently, if you knew today was the last day of your life, what changes would you make to your attitude, perceptions and behavior?
Another most powerful question to ask is:
If this person dies tomorrow, what will I miss about them the most?
Another way of thinking of it, is much less macabre, but potentially more effective at getting you to appreciate that person more. Although, that may not be the case, depending on who that person is to you and how close you are etc..
Basically, instead of imagining that that person -or everyone else- has died, imagine that that person has gotten Alzheimer's. Now I want you to imagine you're walking up to them, and holding their hand and asking them how they feel. Visualize it clearly and vividly in your head. Take as much time as you need to do this.
Now. Imagine that they respond by saying "I'm ok. I'm sorry .. but, .. who are you exactly? I .. do not remember us meeting before. .. What a kind soul you are to ask a stranger how they're feeling!" ...
Silence ensues..
You respond by trying to remind them of who you are to them, and what or how much you meant to them... but to no avail. They're gone. They can't remember a thing.
...
Now, how did that make you feel? Yes, notice it. Feel it.
...
It boils down to asking ourselves simple yet powerful questions. here are a few more examples:
• If today was the last day of my life, would I treat this person the way I'm about to treat them?
• Would I be saying what I'm about to say?
• If this is the last time I'll ever get to see and speak to this person, is this what I wish to be the last thing I say to them?
And just remember,
The trick here, is to ask questions to yourself. Personally, I've learned that the quality of answers we get depends to a great extent on the kind of questions we choose to ask ourselves. So, try out new questions, different combinations, and see what works best for you. There is no straightforward formula, just try it out and decide which questions make you feel more.
That person is their 5-year-old self
You heard that correctly.
Another technique I use and find quite potent, is imagining that person as their 5-year-old self. This, I noticed, entices and arouses my inner compassion and unconditional love for the other person.
When you think of it, we as humans, are much more likely to exhibit kindness, compassion, understanding and forgiveness towards a 5-year-old compared to an adult, in a situation in which they both behave exactly the same, do the same things and act and speak the same way.
Granted, this technique is dependent on your idea and perception of how 5-year-olds should be treated. To wit, for example if you treat 5-year-olds ruthlessly or punitively, if you do not show actual 5-year-olds mercy, understanding or a kind, encouraging attitude, then, this technique is likely to backfire for you. So, take the time to ask yourself: How do I treat actual 5-year-olds? And is this how I want to continue treating them?
If you find that you still do not feel any pity, compassion or mercy for 5-year-olds when they blunder, then, skip this technique please.
But, as humans, we generally have an innate compassion and propensity for kind merciful understanding towards 5-year-olds. So, for most of us, seeing people as their 5-year-old self, regardless of their actual age, is a highly potent and simple trick one can employ to conduce a profound perceptual shift, and thus a behavioral one.
Which brings us to the next technique ...
That person is your child
Actually there are tow versions of this technique, and both can be effective and powerful depending on your pre-existing view of the world.
But let's start with the main, obvious one:
Seeing the other person as their child-self may help induce feelings of loving compassion and even pity for them, but they're still somebody else's child. But what if, -just out of curiosity for the hypothetical- that person wasn't just any 5-year-old, what if they were your 5-year-old?
I always ask people who are mired in conflict: If that other person was your child, and someone else was treating them the same way you are about to treat them, how would that make you feel?
The trick here, isn't just pretending as if that that person was your child, it's in the make-believe notion that another person, -ideally, a total stranger- is treating them the same way you're treating (or about to treat) them.
We all know that we can be sometimes cruel, unkind or harsh on our own children (or from how our parents would treat us, for example). Therefore, merely imagining that the other person is your child isn't sufficient -and just like the previous technique, it can potentially backfire.
So, it is important to not just imagine them as if they were your child, but also as if there was a third person present there and treating them that same exact way you're treating them, and you were just simply standing there witness it all unfold. I invite you to close your eyes and imagine how that would make you feel.
The second way of thinking of it doesn't involve much imagining or pretend: That this person is somebody else's child -which will invariably be the case unless they are indeed your child- and then asking ourselves, do I wish to treat somebody else's child the way I'm about to treat them?
Remembering that we’re all somebody’s child, allows us the necessary space to think with clarity and to see the other person for who they truly are: A human soul. This elicits compassion and arouses a sense of "No, I cannot bring myself to doing this". We can choose to remind ourselves that we're indeed all just wounded children in adult bodies. None of us would ever wish to treat somebody’s child badly.
So, whether you choose to employ the first version or the second, whether the other person is your child, or indeed just another person's child -as they most likely are-, you'll feel immense compassion arising within you that will empower you to act wisely, manage your emotions better, avoid behaviors you may later regret, and improve your relationships all around.
Bonus point on this one: Try combining this act with the previous one, i.e. act and feel as if that the other person is your 5-year-old child being treated by some other stranger the exact same way you're treating them. Chances are, you'll immediately and immensely feel compassion, love and even sorrow towards this person.
Pale Blue Dot
This is probably one the most potent of them all. The one, to rule supreme.
Our existence on the Pale Blue Dot.
Remember Carl Sagan’s words that we're living together on this tiny world floating through space? Well, I figured out, that it truly is humbling to think about how truly small and insignificant we are in the grander scheme of things.
Did you know that the size of the Earth compared to the entire universe -not just the observable, but the entire hypothesized universe- is on the scale of 1/10 tredecillion? Which is 1 followed by FOURTY-THREE zeros. That number, for reference, looks like this:
So, the universe is 10 tredecillion times larger than the Earth, not any of us teeny tiny humans on it; and that's compared to the Earth based on radial measurements. Now, how big is any of us compared to the Earth, which would then compare to the Universe?
I think you get the idea. We're so tiny compared to everything, that darkening our lives with grudges, distrust, not forgiving others, hatred, jealousy, envy or whatever else negative feeling we let fester inside us, is a shameful waste of our brief, ephemeral journey on this Earth, and one that really doesn't matter in the grander scheme of things.
So the real question we have to ask is perhaps: Is holding pain, grudges and resentment really worth it? Will our grudges save us? Will blaming each other serve us? What's the point of any of them anyway?
When the ego sees how impossibly tiny each of us are, and how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, I notice it just shuts up. Like, literally. My ego goes speechless. This is certainly, at least for me, one of the more powerful tactics I've ever used to tame my hitherto huge ego.
We are all mortals
This one is related to the previous ones, but it combines the fact that you as a person could die, with the fact that all of us could be dead tomorrow too. It's effectively an amalgamation of the first two tactics I talked about; which is why it's so powerful.
The idea is simple: Remember that, one day, we're all gonna die anyway. And that that day, is totally unknown, spontaneous and could always knock on our door any moment. Again, tomorrow is promised to no one.
Death could always be around the corner. So, let us treat ourselves and each other with kindness, because, we could all disappear and lose everything at any moment, on any given day. We just never know.
Now, I found that all these techniques, especially if two or more are used in conjunction with one another, quite powerful indeed in helping me cultivate my inner peace and a perspective shift in myself that allows me to see the bigger picture. But I gotta admit, that sometimes, these techniques may become depressing or put one on the wrong path if practiced too much or without self-awareness.
For example, the idea that we're all gonna die anyway, shouldn't mean that one could just do whatever the hell they desire and follow their innermost nastiest instincts, nor should the fact that we're all so impossibly insignificant in the grander scheme of things obviate the reason for having goals and achieving them or enjoying life and living it to the fullest. We're still here for a reason, and if we have others who value and cherish us, we'll feel far from insignificant.
But then again, just like anything really, all these notional facts come with an unintended side effect. That side effect is that while it may tame one's ego, it may also backfire and tame one's self-confidence and thus one's motivation and desire to live and pursue goals. So, how does one balance the need for self-confidence and self-belief, with the taming of the ego?
Well, the answer, it turned out, was a rather simple matter of fact. We're all equal.
Everyone's equal and awesome.
Think about it. What is the ego's main message? "I'm better than others", "I'm superior" and so on, right? The go wants to feel smart, right and superior to others. Well, the techniques above help neutralize it, but what about self-confidence? What does it entail or want?
To feel that the person (i.e. you) is awesome.
I found that simply remembering the fact that "we're all gonna die anyway" is a double-edged sword. It may remind us to treat each other kindly, because no one knows when they're gonna leave this world, and that life is too short. But it also serves as a great equalizer.
In other words, if we're all mortals, (as mentioned before), there is no meaning in egoistical behaviour, thus taming the ego. But also, it works the other way around. If we're all mortals, that means that no one is better than you, which means that you do not need to feel anxious, threatened, nervous or scared of or around anyone at all! Not even around anyone you're attracted to, like your crush, or anyone who is above you in the social or economic hierarchy, like your boss, father-in-law, or a job interviewer.
You can just be yourself and remember, that we're all just human. And also that you are awesome! But so is everyone else. Right?
Remembering that I can be confident and at ease with myself, because I am awesome and do deserve all the best, while at the same time not slurring over the fact that so is everyone else, has helped me tremendously in balancing both self-confidence and damping my ego. Just remember this: Everyone Is Awesome! We're all equal.
One final point. I haven't yet found anyone who's been able to completely kill the ego. It just pops out and rears its ugly head here and there. So, how to leverage the remainder, the remnant, of the ego? I found it in yet again, another simple answer:
Base your ego not on being right, smart, perfect, or anything of a fragile, fleeting or tenuous kind. But rather, base it on you being a learner, and having that identity. So that whenever you're proved wrong, embarrassed or make a mistake, your ego doesn't kick in and start shouting in your head and creating negative feelings in you. Base your ego on something not just resilient, but anti-fragile
All it takes is to have the courage to make the choice to see the world anew.
After all, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
Original Entry Date: 10/10/2024
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