The H.A.L.E. Method

I work with some truly amazing people; kind, compassionate and thoughtful people. Altruists. Caring people. People whom I call friends, some, even family. As someone who has been on a spiritual journey since he was a 12-year-old, I sure get my fair share of compliments and people getting flabbergasted at my intelligence, and wisdom.

I also get my fair share of people trying me, testing me, seeing how far they can push me. Most do it unconsciously and unintentionally, though. And those are the people I care about and treasure. Those are my friends, and family, even if blood doesn't relate us together. Sometimes, a friend may be somewhat rude, insensitive or insolent towards me. Sometimes, a friend may hurt me, at times they don't even realise that they're hurting me, but I still get hurt.

This happens to everyone, it seems. But, how do we handle such situations? They say stay silent if you're angry or about to say something that may damage a friendship; something you might regret later.

---

            The trick lies in recognizing that, whatever people do or say, is simply a reflection of their own reality; their own state of being; their own mindset; and their own soul. It’s never about us, never was. When we are able to see through people's hurt, and spot the pain beneath it, we the realise that they are merely venting their pain. So instead of responding in kind, and exacerbating their pain, we could respond in kindness and help them heal their pain.

As a person who got mortality motivation at age 15, I always try to ask myself when someone is mistreating me or saying something hurtful to me "If this is the last time I'm going to ever to get to say to this person, if this is the last time we ever get to hear each others' voices, or read each others' texts, am I satisfied with what I am about to say?" Because here's the thing, we usually take people for granted, especially if we're used to them being around us all the time. We don't think the last time is actually going to be the last time, we always think we have more. But we don't.

I try my best to never judge anyone, because, as Mr. put it "We often think we know what others are going through, but the truth is: We have no idea!"

So I keep that in mind, that I am completely clueless as to what others are going through. Everyone is fighting their own fight, going through their own battles; battles that we mostly never ever hear of.

There is also another mental tactic I use, when dealing someone, even if they're the one who is mistreating or trying to hurt me, I try to look at that person and ask myself "If this person was my child, and someone came and treated them just like I'm about to treat or respond to them, how would that make me feel?"

Now, how do we epitomize all those realizations and have a practical, workable and simple method when we treat others, whether they're hurting us, lashing out at us, or mistreating us in any way, especially if they're our friends or loved ones?

---

Enter the H.A.L.E. Method:

It stands for,

Help (them heal)

Accept (them for who it is they are)

Leverage (their strengths)

Empower (them to find their true potential)

Firstly, Help them heal.

Put those shattered pieces back together. Help them find their inner peace. We can’t truly enjoy what we’re running towards until we’re at peace with what we’re running from.

As Ram Dass once said “We’re all just walking each other home.”

Ram Dass wisely reminds us “Together we are all on a journey called life. We are all a little broken and a little shattered inside. Each one of us is aspiring to make it to the end. None is deprived of pain here and we have all suffered in our own ways. I think our journey is all about healing ourselves and healing each other in our own special ways. Let's just help each other put all those pieces back together and make it to the end more beautifully. Let us help each other survive.”

Then, Accept them for who it is they are.

Never judge or assume, always understand, listen, observe and empathise. If one hasn't accepted others for who it is they are, it is likely that that is because they haven't accepted themselves for who it is they are. Everyone is right in their own perspective. Everyone is the guru. Allow them to be who it is they are. This is often referred to as "Radical Acceptance".

As Alan Watts puts it “Things are as they are. Looking out into the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations."

To elaborate on this step further, I'd to share this piece of writing I once read somewhere: "It's normal to complain and be annoyed by the people you love. To love people, you won't love everything about them. The people you love are not perfect, and their imperfections will sometimes bother you. Normalize not liking everything about the people you love.

Repeat After Me:

Perhaps, it's just something to accept about people—they will at times get on my nerves, and I can still love them."

Next, Leverage their strengths.

Everyone has their elemental power. Catalyze their minds and skills. Help them grow. Positivity is crucial to incorporate when doing so.

After all, as Richard Pimental puts it “True leaders don’t get others to believe in them; true leaders find ways to get others to believe .. in themselves”. “And as Jim Kwik puts it “Give a person an idea, and you enrich their day. Teach a person how to learn, and they can enrich their entire life."

Finally, Empower them.

Don’t threaten their sense of autonomy or competence, but rather, support it. Guide them, we can’t teach people anything, we can only help them discover it within themselves. Do not deprive them of, or even give the implication of threatening, their power of choice.

Empowering others is the last and final stage of helping others find their true potential.

As Friedrich Nietzsche once said “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."

Remember that no one is ever truly wrong, and that this is because there is no right or wrong answer, everything is about understanding.

After all,

Closed-minded people care about what is right;

Open-minded ones care about who is right;

Wise people, however, care to understand.

For those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge.

---

So next time you find yourself in a situation where a friend, colleague or even a complete stranger is getting on your nerves, hurting you or a previous hurt rankling in your head, remember that H.A.L.E. Method, and apply it. You'll be pleasantly shocked at the result.

It is again the old tale of Emotional Intelligence and leveraging one's emotions to achieve one's goals. Having one's emotions work for them, rather than it being the other way around. And leveraging others' emotions to make it more likely that one will achieve their goals.

Original Entry Date: 6/4/2023