Dating: The Modern-age Game of Masks

Dating has existed for as long as the human species. Early courtships between males and females have always dominated human culture. If love is the central room in the palace of the human experience, dating is the doorway inside. Nowadays though, dating seems to have devolved into some kind of theatrical performance, won by the most fluent in this corrupted art of finding romance.

In this piece, we explore why our current dating culture has regressed into a game of masks in the modern era, the costs of illusory posturing, and how we can revive dating into the art of authentic connection that it truly is.

A romantic play at the theatre

Dating has degenerated into a game of false pretenses, won only by the most charming and the most cunning. It has become a corrupted game of masks—one for the cunning, the crafty and the clever. However, we may engage in theatre play as much we like, but sooner or later something will get under our skin, and we'll break character; someone will eventually step out of line. No one can maintain a masquerade forever.

In the modern-era game of pretenses, dating masks never last. They are a theatrical performance at best, a whimsical farce at worst. It seems that we have forgotten the value of loyalty. Fidelity now comes second to our worst impulses; pleasure is seen as the superior overlord to true love; passion is preferred to stability, lust valued over language, cuddles over communication, and sexual bliss over spiritual blessing. Under the enrapturing hypnosis of the rush for our crush, our souls lose their essence; we become mean, ungrateful and hold every little thing against the very person we profess our eternal love for.

How can this be?

A society that says “Imperfections are for the weak”

Our current dating culture promotes the idea that if one makes the best “first impression”, one would then maximize their chance of a second date and eventual romantic union. As a result, people of all ages, primarily young people in their 20s and 30s have come to normalize dating as a game of pretense. In the hope of attracting the approval and liking of the other person, they pretend to be someone they’re not, and end up losing touch with who they really are.

The dangers of putting on a mask of perfection, though, aren’t limited to a loss of our authentic self—even if that lasts only for the duration of the date. Our dating masks also deprive us of the opportunity to truly connect with the other person. Out of fear of exposing their true selves, two people never get to connect on a deeper level. Such instances should be looked upon with sorrow, as there is nothing as fulfilling as a deep human connection. Putting on a mask of perfection prevents deeper connection from flourishing because both sides have got their guard up. It’s a game where neither person is willing to let go of their pretences and become vulnerable; and vulnerable is how we, humans, truly connect.

Consider this: If I share with you something you can use against me, but then you don't use it, over time I come to trust that you’re a safe person. Now whenever I feel like sharing something deep or personal in the future, I’m reassured by that feeling of safety that I can trust you not to use it against me.

This is when trust is built: once that feeling of emotional safety is established. Oftentimes we believe that if we like a person then that is enough to allow us to love them on a deeper level. However, without establishing emotional safety first, all attempts at romantic love are bound to end in disappointment.

The problem is that current dating culture doesn't allow for any of this—it's all about appearances and façades. Then we come and wonder why it’s so hard to find a partner. Well, much like two dots on a map with no line connecting them, without reciprocal vulnerability, we simply never connect.

Pinocchio's Romance

But the dangers don’t end there—there’s more. It is very possible that the other person has fallen in love with the image we’ve created for them. And when that false, misleading mask we'd put on finally comes off — it eventually has to; no one can keep pretending forever — the risk of breakup and subsequent heartbreak is overwhelmingly massive. In this sense, the game of masks in dating isn’t just depriving us of the chance to be our authentic selves or to connect more deeply; it’s a game built on a house of lies, with the expectation that it will somehow hold. Fantasies. Fantasies. Fantasies.

So, however you look at it, it's a lose-lose situation. The likelihood of such an inauthentic, fake, stilted connection being sustained in the long-run is so ridiculously low, one cannot help but wonder why we even bother with putting on this perfunctory show. This self-indulgent pretense we put on like real-life Pinocchios is a fool's paradise – one which lasts only as long as the fool's nose.

Real love does not ask for perfection — it looks for safety.

And safety is born only when two people dare to be seen.

So next time you go on a date, try dropping your mask and see what happens. Chances are, you’ll be impressed by the magic unfolding before you.

This has been Yusuf Kemal, and I invite you to reconsider.